Monday, December 30, 2013


Beth Dean, Columnist,
I recently got engaged…to the man of my dreams!  He is everything I’ve ever wanted and more! It’s amazing actually. I never really believed in soul mates, but if there is such a thing…he is mine! You would think this happy great news would have me on cloud nine? Yes….and no…. Ever since he proposed I have been having panic attacks and massive anxiety! Not because I’m scared to marry him, I don’t want to or anything of that nature. I’m scared for him.  My disease became very real to me a few days ago. Needless to say I have been having a string of shitty days instead of one every so often.  What if it gets worse? Soon? What if he has to care for me, what about when I die? I don’t want to be a burden to him. I’m scared! I made the mistake of GOOGLING all sorts of MS related questions. Do not do this!!

I just want to be with him and be happy. But all these things are running through my head constantly.

I was searching for comfort and ended up making my worries even heavier! Sickness has a way of sneaking up on you and taking pieces of your happiness. I am personally sick of it! Instead of living in the present and being filled with joy…I have been making myself sick with worry about what COULD happen?!?! How messed up is that?
MS is different in everyone. Just because someone with MS is so bad off, just because someone loses a battle with MS…does NOT mean you will!

Today I am owning my happiness. I am ready to start my life with a wonderful man, our children and work on building our own family. He’s fully aware of my illness, and all the comes with it. If I get sick, or anything to that nature, isn’t that what the person you love is suppose to be there for? Support…comfort…unconditional love?

I have all of that. What am I tripping over? Being scared of the future
happens to everyone. Sickness or not. That doesn’t mean that we deserve to be happy any less than normal non-sick people. I quit here. No more worrying. No more setting up all night on the computer! NO MORE GOOGLING!!!
 I’m going to let myself be happy and deal with what comes when and if it comes. Life is to sort and I am way to happy to lose one more minute to MS.

Multiple Sclerosis…you are a bully and NO you can not have my lunch money…DAMMIT!

PS...The wedding won't be any time soon. But when I have our big day...ill take tons of pics and update the angels ASAP! You've been with me every step of the way and I would love nothing more than to share my big day with all my ANGEL friends :)